I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
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