Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
