i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
that's an acceptable place to lick
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Dicks are not precious.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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