Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
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