im having a threesome with these popsicles
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
