then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
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