i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
