i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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