Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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