I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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