I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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