if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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