Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Randomize
