Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
