I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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