Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
