i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
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