I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
