u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
