If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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