He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
