I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
