It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
