Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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