If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
