I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I touched a dick in church today
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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