I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
nutella sex= disaster
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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