You really coming over, don't trick.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
