also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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