i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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