i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize
