remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
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