did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
