Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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