hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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