dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
