I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
