I'm so fucking centered right now
I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
