Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
