he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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