My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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