whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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