I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Randomize
