If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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