Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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