My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
