I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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