Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
