My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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