i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
