I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Randomize
