I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
